The Paradoxes Try Stand-up Comedy!
"Take my antinomy.....Please!" The Futurians make an unexpected guest appearance.
[WHIMSY]
(In only the most recent in a long line of dismal attempts to popularize Philosophy, the APA asks nine famous Paradoxes to take the microphone at Philosophy night in the downtown Comedy Club.)
THE WEEK-BEFORE BRIEFING
Energetic APA spokesman (addressing a gaggle of dejected looking Paradoxes): “Look, you guys, you know we've spent hundreds of thousands of hours studying you, writing about you, organizing breakout sessions and roundtables on you!; trying to spread your fame, even get you dates! It's the least you can do! We've booked an hour of microphone time for you next week at the Comedy Club downtown so that means all that you guys have to do is about five minute gigs each! Easy-Peasy! Come on- We need to drum up some enthusiasm in the public for our profession! Otherwise we'll all be forced to get real jobs like pot scrubbing, burger flipping, car washing, pet walking and as sidewalk card wavers in front of cannabis dispensaries!!” (the Paradoxes exchange worried looks).
Spokesman: “That’s the spirit! You'll be hits; knockouts! big boffo! you're born for success! ..now the APA is a little strapped for cash right now, so we can't give you cab fare to the club, but you can always arrange rides with your friends or have a healthful walk. It is a kinda rough part of town so don't forget to bring a taser! Prisoner Paradox probably has one! Questions? Yes, Zeno Paradox? No, it's not impossible, you will be able to get there! Yes, Liar Paradox? No, no self-referential jokes at the mic please! Prisoner Paradox? No, you can't wear that orange jumpsuit you like so much. Any others? No? Ok then! Chins up. Turn those frowns upside down! Ankle on outta here! Knock 'em dead! And one last thing… Shecky and Michael have volunteered to be there as ringers and get the laffs rolling, so you don’t have to worry about the audience!”
The Paradoxes shuffle out of the room, looking surly, anxious, and resentful in turns. This doesn't bode well!
A week passes……
THE PERFORMANCES
Two Paradoxes are peeking out from behind the curtain at the gathering audience:
“Hey, this crowd doesn’t look too refined!”
“Yeah- more like the casts of Duck Dynasty and Pitbulls & Parolees. With some ZZ Top mixed in”
“Minus the pitbulls.”
“I meant the human casts”
“I dunno, some of these folk don’t even look human!”
“At least there's no crates of rotten tomatoes in sight. I don't fancy spending my five minutes dodging.”
“Check out all those tattoos on that guy- if that is a guy.”
“ I dunno, maybe the APA made a big-time mistake booking here…this crowd looks dangerous! I’m glad we have Prisoner along, he's 400 lbs at least!”
“I heard he can bench press Godzilla!”
“Yeah, but we wound up here probably because it had the cheapest rates in the whole city. Those APA suits are such cheapskates.”
"Speaking of the APA, where’s our ringers… I don't see Shecky or Michael out there.”
“Probably the bouncers barred them: not enough tattoos.”
[ silence ]
“Man we're going to get massacred out there.”
*****
First up is Barber Paradox who walks confidently across the stage to the mic. He cuts an odd figure- wearing an old-style jacket and sporting a chest length brown beard completely cut off on the right side; he grabs the microphone.
“Hey kids! Some of you ought to come to my shop!” Some of the ZZ Top look-alikes smile. “I gotta tell you what happened at my shop the other day. First Beyonce comes walking in. Yeah, Beyonce! She tells me, 'Give me a bang trim.' “Who am I to argue? So I give her a bang trim. She pays me and poof! -she walks out of my shop. Then J-Lo comes walking in. She tells me, 'Give me a bang trim.' “Who am I to argue? So I give her a bang trim. She pays me and poof! -she walks out of my shop. Then in comes an 800 pound gorilla.” (probably Prisoner's mama, whispers a Paradox off-stage) “He tells me, 'Give me a full-body skinhead look.’ Who am I to argue? So I give him my scissors, pay him and poof! I run out of my.shop!!”. Scattered laughter and applause from the audience. Barber walks off the stage to take high fives from the Paradoxes waiting in the wings.. This isn't so hard!
Next up is Zeno Paradox,. Out he hobbles to the mic. Oldest of the Paradoxes, he sports a long white beard, bald head, and white toga. But his voice is surprisingly strong. He thumps the microphone. Addresses the audience:
“That last guy could use a shave himself! Anyway, getting a beer in this town is impossible. I'm sitting on a stool at the counter and ask the barkeep for a beer. He gets out a bottle and a glass and tells me it’ll be a buck sixty. Okay by me! He gets the bottle and pours half of it into the glass. He says that'll be 80 cents. So I pay him 80 cents. Then he pours some more and says that'll be 40 cents. So I pay him 40 cents. Then he pours a little more and says that’ll be 20 cents. So I pay him 20 cents. What's with this guy? Then he pours a skosh more and says that will be a dime. So I hand him a dime. Then he pours a little more and says that'll be a nickel. So I pay him a nickel.” (audience is getting restless. Zeno notices and hurries on.) “Then he pours a teensy-tiny bit more and says that will be two and a half cents. I'm not a genius but I can see where this is going. So I tell him he can keep his beer but I want my money back. He says it's impossible, he's counting it as his tip!! Like I say, it’s impossible to get a beer in this town!”. Zeno hurries off the stage to only a couple of claps and no laughter.
To make things short, next up is Roly Poly Paradox. Roly Poly appears to be attempting to clumsily dance, but keeps tripping over its own feet, taking pratfalls and bouncing back up. The audience starts laughing (“Talk about pandering!” a Paradox mutters off-stage “Well, at least he’s got the audience pegged,” another replies.) Applause is heard. Roly Poly leaves the stage to take high fives from the other Paradoxes. All seems well.
Curry's Paradox tries a Don Rickles approach, gets beaned by a thrown ashtray, is carried off on a stretcher. Crowd mood turns ugly.
Braisse is too academic, confuses himself. Breaks pointer and chart. Boo’ed off the stage.
Simpson tries a Gallagher approach gets some laughs when slips on own Barbasol and beaned with his own melon!
Newcomb bombs, but intimidated by raucus booing, throws his two boxes with money into the audience and gets some applause.
Feynman Sprinkler only succeeds in flooding the stage and bringing in the Fire Marshal. A tidal wave of booing and thrown objects ensues.
The catcalls and whistles stop abruptly when 400 pound Prisoner in his orange jumpsuit lumbers on to the stage and up to the mic. “Yer my kind of folks” he growls and some in the audience nod respectfully. “Anyway, I'm s’posed to tell a few jokes; here's somethin' funny,” he rumbles. “I was in County, serving a nickel, and a couple of newjacks tried to get me to squeal on my bunkie…” heads nod in sympathy or shake at the perfidy. “So the cowboys thought I was a fish, but I had the last laugh. I had my lock-in-a-sock with me so I clocked both them wolf-ticketers! Clocked them both! Har, har, har har! And I didn't like the way my bunkie was looking like taking the deal, so's I clocked him too!” The audience cheers, laughs and breaks into applause. Prisoner lumbers off the stage.
Suddenly, with a wet 'plop’ noise and a smell like buttered popcorn, a strange multicolored tangle of balloons appears hovering near the mic! The room quietens. A stentorian voice issues forth. “SALUTATIONS TO YOU, UNCOUTH DAWN ERA CREATURES! I AM TIME TRAVELER PARADOX, SENT TO YOU FROM THE FAR FUTURE! I AM HERE TO REQUIRE YOUR HUMOR AND AMUSEMENT! YES, YOU SHALL LAUGH OR RISK MY DISPLEASURE!” (the tangle drifts closer to the mic stand.) “HERE IS A WITTY JAPE: “ANY GRANDFATHERS HERE I CAN SHOOT?” (uneasy stirring and silence in the audience) WHAT? MY SENSORS HEAR NO LAUGH NOISE….(the voice takes on an angry tone, the balloons bob agitatedly) PRIMITIVE LAND-APES! (a large blaster appears out of the tangle) I WILL TAKE PUNITIVE MEASURES!!!”
Suddenly with a frying, crackling noise, a glowing white aura surrounds the belligerent balloons. There is a rapid intensification of light, then the glow and trapped balloons shrink to a point and vanish. Good ‘ole snatch field! A paper sheet floats down. There's stunned silence in the room and Prisoner's Paradox edges cautiously out of the wings, gingerly picks up the paper, reads. Going to the mic, he addresses the audience, “It says here that the Futurians apologize for the actions of one of their escaped mental patients. It also says to compensate us for the inconvenience, they have left tokens for everyone attending and to check under your seats.” Everyone checks and indeed dimpled golf balls are hauled out for inspection. Solid 24k Gold dimpled golf balls! A pound of gold each! There’s a sudden change of mood and the audience cheers, hysterically applauds, yells out enthusiastically! This was a great night after all!!! The Paradoxes come out and take five standing o's!! No catcalls now! Big boffo!!
*****
Three days pass…
THE POST-PERFORMANCE ASSESSMENT
Some corporate suits at Eastern Division APA Headquarters Office Tower (actually a two-story cinder block in a low-rent shopping strip, wedged between a Dollar store and a Payday Loan outlet in beautiful Bayonne, NJ)
Suit A: Well it wasn't a complete bust…
Suit B: Yeah, we did make the evening news.
Suit C: Any publicity is better than no publicity.
Suit A: And we did turn a tidy profit…
Suit B: Confiscating the gold from the Paradoxes after they found them in their pockets. Well played!
Suit C: They never saw it coming! (holding up and admiring a gold golfball)
A very large hulking figure in an orange jumpsuit comes busting through the window, “I HEARD THAT!!!
The suits wailing in chorus, “It’s PRISONER!!!”
What happened next also made the evening news and I hear they're closing down the corporate tower.
What's left of it.
Humor can change the world!!
[Note to readers of the archive edition. I edited this to replace Parrondo with Curry! the original mailed version used the wrong paradox!]
You should have some comments on this one. Especially since you pinned it on top 10 moths ago. You must like it, and maybe you want feedback. I really don't know where to take it though? I guess I have not identified a message.
What we call paradox, contradiction, dichotomy, incongruity, inconsistency, conflict, anomaly, oddity, oxymoron, absurdity, conundrum, enigma, mystery, puzzle, ambiguity. Are these things realities? Or are they linguistic artifacts coming from false assumptions about our world picture?
I think "false-cause" creates a problem that cannot be rectified under that context.
Are there really standard paradoxes in philosophy? If so, I'd like to talk about them. I don't want to make any up, since you are the author here.
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